Tuesday, March 01, 2011
Blessed Be the Name of the Lord
My friend and Creighton doctor called yesterday to gently inform me that my my HCG levels are rapidly dropping. Though it brought a kind of official finality, this did not come so much as news. Over the weekend I had sure signs that things were not going well and so, really, we began grieving Saturday.
It is strange to remember how, months ago, I had told my husband that I would truly love to have a daughter. A seventh son would also be a blessing, but the one thing I did not want (and I was adamant about this point) was to miscarry either. In short, I didn't want a broken heart. Now, on this side of events, I am surprised to say that if it had to be this way, if our only opportunity to have this child was in this brief and painful way, then I would not undo it if I could. I would, in fact, do it all over again.
This child has been a great blessing to us, bringing us closer to one another first in joy and then-- perhaps even more acutely so-- in sorrow. We have learned a little something about hope and courage, and giving our will over to God's. There is much more than this, too, of course that is very personal and much we don't fully understand, but that we will carry with us and wonder over in our hearts. Also, there are the prayers and sacrifices that all of you offered on our behalf and the graces that we have received, and even felt, on account of them. Thank you for this.
And then there is the fact that we now have two saints in heaven (14 years apart to the very month) I like to think they are together and watching over us. We have registered their names in "The Book of Life" at the Church of the Holy Innocents in NY. Special thanks to my sister, Helene, for telling us about this.
Last, but not least, the beautiful rosary above was made by Ruth Tucker of Just Another Day In Paradise and Loreto Rosaries to help me through Limbo and now, as a commemoration of our little one. Thank you, Ruth, it is even more beautiful than I had imagined. I will treasure it always.
When it arrived my boys admired it, "Did Mrs. Tucker buy these pearls or did she find them in nature?" Zachary asked. The image of Ruth in scuba gear fishing each pearl by hand brought a smile to my face and so I must mention, too, that a house full of loving and very funny boys cannot fill, but goes a long way to distract me from this deep, aching, empty feeling that I carry with me now.