Tuesday, March 01, 2011

Blessed Be the Name of the Lord


My friend and Creighton doctor called yesterday to gently inform me that my my HCG levels are rapidly dropping. Though it brought a kind of official finality, this did not come so much as news. Over the weekend I had sure signs that things were not going well and so, really, we began grieving Saturday.

It is strange to remember how, months ago, I had told my husband that I would truly love to have a daughter. A seventh son would also be a blessing, but the one thing I did not want (and I was adamant about this point) was to miscarry either. In short, I didn't want a broken heart. Now, on this side of events, I am surprised to say that if it had to be this way, if our only opportunity to have this child was in this brief and painful way, then I would not undo it if I could. I would, in fact, do it all over again.

This child has been a great blessing to us, bringing us closer to one another first in joy and then-- perhaps even more acutely so-- in sorrow. We have learned a little something about hope and courage, and giving our will over to God's. There is much more than this, too, of course that is very personal and much we don't fully understand, but that we will carry with us and wonder over in our hearts. Also, there are the prayers and sacrifices that all of you offered on our behalf and the graces that we have received, and even felt, on account of them. Thank you for this.

And then there is the fact that we now have two saints in heaven (14 years apart to the very month) I like to think they are together and watching over us. We have registered their names in "The Book of Life" at the Church of the Holy Innocents in NY. Special thanks to my sister, Helene, for telling us about this.

Last, but not least, the beautiful rosary above was made by Ruth Tucker of Just Another Day In Paradise and Loreto Rosaries to help me through Limbo and now, as a commemoration of our little one. Thank you, Ruth, it is even more beautiful than I had imagined. I will treasure it always.

When it arrived my boys admired it, "Did Mrs. Tucker buy these pearls or did she find them in nature?" Zachary asked. The image of Ruth in scuba gear fishing each pearl by hand brought a smile to my face and so I must mention, too, that a house full of loving and very funny boys cannot fill, but goes a long way to distract me from this deep, aching, empty feeling that I carry with me now.

54 comments:

Paula said...

Suzanne, I'm so very sorry for your family's loss. Continuing to pray for all of you.

Margaret in Minnesota said...

Amen. Beautifully, poignantly written, Suzanne, and I can relate to all of it.

We love our babies.

Margaret in Minnesota said...

PS. On a lighter note, because I know you appreciate them, thank you for opening comments on this post. :)

Johane Levesque said...

My heart and prayers go out to you.

Johane

Anne said...

My heart hurts with yours. I too have walked this road, twice. My prayers are with you and your family.

Mary Poppins NOT said...

Love is eternal. May it comfort you in your sadness.

Celeste said...

I am so sorry for you and your family, Suzanne. I feel blessed to have shared in the knowledge of this precious soul, so thank you for sharing your joy--and now sorrow--with your readers. You will be in my prayers.

Charlotte (Waltzing Matilda) said...

Thank you, too, for giving us this chance to express our sorrow for your loss. Please know that you will be in our prayers. What a beautiful reminder you have of your little one there and who's intercession you can call on as those pure white beads slip through your fingers. When I miscarried, a dear friend left this note for me and I now share it with you hoping it brings you the same peace it brought me:

I unite my prayers with your sisters in Christ here and bring them to the Foot of the Cross where you stand next to Our Lady who also gave back her heart's treasure. May she strengthen you and nurture you through the coming days as only a mother can. May Our Lord generously shower you with His tender comfort.

And, may your new little saint in heaven make himself known to you in a very real way by parting the veil between this world and the supernatural and interceding before the throne of God for his mommy and kissing her with his own joy at beholding the face of God.

MacBeth Derham said...

So sorry!

Right Said Red said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. Praying for you and your family.

Julie said...

Continuing to pray for you and your family.

Kristen @ St Monica's Bridge said...

We are continuing to pray and I am crying because whenever another goes through this, I feel my own pain over again and wish no one would endure this loss. Sending lots of love along with our prayers.

Kristen @ St Monica's Bridge said...

We are continuing to pray and I am crying because whenever another goes through this, I feel my own pain over again and wish no one would endure this loss. Sending lots of love along with our prayers.

scmom (Barbara) said...

I am very sorry for your loss, Suzanne. You, and your family, have my prayers.

Baleboosteh said...

I am so very sorry.

L. E. Cove said...

Oh! Such sad news! I am so very sorry, Suzanne. I will hold you all in my prayers.

~Ellie

Nikkadmus said...

I'm so sorry for the loss of your little one. Praying for God to fill the emptiness you are feeling.

Ruth said...

I'm so very sorry, Suzanne. I will continue to keep you and your family in my prayers. God bless you, dear friend!

Kris said...

We will continue to pray for you and your family.

Kris said...

Suzanne -- so, so sorry for your loss. I know there are no words that can comfort, but I will continue to pray for healing for you, both physically and emotionally.

nicole said...

I'm sorry for your family's loss. I will pray that y'all are filled with peace even in the midst of grief.

Barb, sfo said...

Heartbreaking--and heartwarming. Your family will be in my prayers.

Becky said...

I am so sorry, Suzanne...I will be praying for you and your family.

Rachel said...

Suzanne,

Sending love and prayers your way. I am so sorry for your loss and pray God's blessings upon you in this season. xo

melanie said...

During my miscarriage last year I came across the quote that goes something like " we grieve to the extent that we love.". This comforted me so much, to know that my sorrow was inexorably bound up with my love for my little one. I guess it made me feel content to grieve the loss. Praying for peace and healing for you and yours. Mel

Mary said...

A beautiful love letter to your sweet little one who now rests with God. I am so sorry for your loss Suzanne. I pray that Our Lady wraps her mantle around you and your family as you walk this painful journey.
Blessings and grace to you...

Jennie C. said...

I'm so, so sorry, Susanne. We'll be praying for you.

Lynn Wehner said...

I'm so sorry, Suzanne. Seeing God's blessing in this can seem beyond reasonable, even when we know it's our call to trust. Our lives, too, were changed forever by a child we lost to miscarriage several years ago. But the graces that have flowed in our family from her brief time with us are reflected in her name, Grace Elizabeth. I know she's got our backs in heaven. May your little saint guide your family to peace. xo

Theresa said...

May Mary watch over you during this time.

Donna Marie said...

I am so sorry Suzanne! {{{{HUGS}}} We will keep all of you in our prayers!

Cheryl M. said...

So sorry to read this post, Suzanne. Please know that my prayers continue for you. Hugs.

Gae said...

Dear Suzanne,
I can't think what to say except how sorry I am for you. I have only expierienced this once and have had so many blessings from God in our living children.
I truly am sorry but I see such hope and love in your post and how wonderful, and so like Ruth to send you the Rosary.
Praying for your family and you as well
Blessings
Gae

Shawna said...

I am so sorry. I am praying for you and your family. Thank you for allowing us to accompany you and lift you in prayer.

Donna said...

I will pray for you and hope you find the peace that passes our understanding and can say like Job,
"The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord." Jesus, we trust in You.

Puffin Hen said...

I have been following the Book Club reading Ann Voskamp's One Thousand Gifts over at InCourage. I think this would definitely count as the hard eucharisteo, and, my goodness, haven't you so totally grasped the concept! I am so blessed to know that you can see the gift as well as the sorry even now. Still praying, dear one.

Erika said...

I'm so sorry Suzanne. We will continue to pray for you.

KackyK said...

So sorry for your loss. I'll remember you all in my prayers.

Elizabeth M said...

Lifting you and your family in prayer. May Our Lady bring your comfort.

Jennifer said...

I'm so sorry for your loss Suzanne. You have been, and will remain, in our prayers.

kimberly said...

So very, very sorry for your loss...you and your dear family are in our prayers...may God bless you!

Anonymous said...

Suzanne, you and your family are in my prayers! We join you in your sorrow!

Blessings, Betty

Bobbi said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. My prayers to you and your family. May your little one remain safe in the arms of Our Lady until you meet again.

Colleen said...

You much more beautifully express the saying "Tis better to have loved and lost than never loved at all." What faith!!

Melissa Z said...

I've been praying for you and I will continue to. Thanks for your openness.

Christine said...

My thoughts and prayers are with you. I love your family and your boys. You are blessed.

Jenny said...

Prayers for you and your family from another family who has little saints in Heaven.

Anonymous said...

Praying for you! You are a beautiful witness.

Anonymous said...

Compassionate thoughts to you from Valerie in New Zealand.

Musings said...

I am so very sorry for your loss and mourn with you.

Kristin said...

I'm so sorry for your loss Suzanne. I will continue praying for you and your family.

Jamie Jo said...

Because you were open, God has another soul with Him.

For me, when things like this happen, it's the only way to make any sense of it.

I love what you wrote about choosing to do it all over again if we were given the choice, LOVE.

The moment of conception, we already LOVE that BABY.

That's why we choose LOVE, right?
God bless you and your family,
my thoughts and prayers are with you, lifting you up.

Elizabeth C. said...

I take heart to know that a little one awaits his mommy in Heaven too. You wrote from a beautiful place, hard but beautiful.

God bless you!

Tracey said...

I am so sorry for your loss. We experienced an ectopic pregnancy a few months ago and discovered that resting in God's will is the only way to truly rest. You are all in my prayers.

Kim @ Starry Sky Ranch said...

Suzanne I missed this when you first posted and noticed you had comments open so wanted to slip a note in here quickly. I am so very sorry.