Thursday, February 24, 2011

Limbo

We received some worrisome, but inconclusive, news at an early ultrasound this week. We'd gone to the ultrasound to see a heartbeat meant to reassure us in light of the low progesterone levels. Well, we didn't see a heartbeat or a baby for that matter. The "fetal pole" as it is called at this stage, was absent. We were devastated. The ultrasound remains inconclusive on its own, however, because there are a few possible explanations including misdated pregnancy, older ultrasound equipment and other unknown factors that could (maybe) explain why we didn't see what we were supposed to see. Early ultrasounds can be tricky. Still, my doctor sent me home with instructions to come back to his office or head to the ER if (when) I experience miscarriage. A second ultrasound in a week or two will likely be more conclusive. In the meantime, I'm in limbo. Let's just say my kids have watched an awful lot of television in the last 56 hours. (Also, cucumbers do work to reduce puffiness around the eyes)

I've hesitated to write anything here concerning this, as I certainly never wanted to take everyone who was happy with us on this miserable ride. At the same time, there is hope and so I want to ask you for your prayers. It's a long string of slim chances, but we're holding onto it. It would be easier to give up, to move on mentally to grieving, healing and thoughts of trying again. It would be easier, but I think God wants us to have the courage to hope against the odds for a time. Hope, I am beginning to learn, is not faith that God will hand us a particular outcome. It is the investment of ourselves with trust that, whatever the outcome, there is deeper meaning and a higher purpose to our joy and suffering. Both are worth embracing fully.

Humbly and gratefully then, I ask your prayers for a little unborn soul who has already brought us so much joy. Also, that, whatever the outcome, we be brought closer to Him through this experience.

67 comments:

Paula said...

Storming Heaven for you.

Betty Beguiles said...

Praying for you, sweetie! Let me know if there's anything else I can do and please email me if you just want to talk! Love!

Nissa said...

I'm praying for you Suzanne.

deborah said...

You are a wise, strong, faithful woman.... and I am praying with you and for you right now.

Kristen @ St Monica's Bridge said...

Suzanne, this sounds so much like our first miscarriage. My HCG levels dropped precipitously after I began bleeding. No heart beat just a gestational sac that stopped growing at four weeks. We had tried so long for a pregnancy and to have it end just two days after the positive test was almost more than I could bear. We hadn't had a chance to tell anyone yet and my husband was forced into telling his family that weekend (after they became extremely angry that we could not join them for dinner). I would have preferred to suffer just the two of us, so I know well how you feel about sharing this (his family is not Christian, much less Catholic, more a hodge-podge of agnostics and well, we sort of believe in God types and they do not pray, so sharing with them brought a lot of platitudes and no comfort). I am praying for you all unceasingly whatever the outcome.

melanie said...

I am so so sorry Suzanne, hang in there, I will be praying for you, I know how totally totally devestating such news is. God will come through one way or the other. Trust Him completely. Mel

Emily G. said...

I am so sorry to hear this, Suzanne. I was so excited for your family. Where you are right now is a very, very hard place to be. I lost my second child over a year ago now. I began bleeding on the day of my 13 week OB appointment- a day I'd been joyfully anticipating hearing a heartbeat-and it took five more days to get the full miscarriage. It was so hard. I wanted to hope, but I knew in my heart it was over. All I remember from those days is a fog of tears and prayers. It was a truly agonizing time.I hope that this ends better for you than it did for me.

You are in my thoughts and prayers today.

Jamie Jo said...

Praying for you!

gretchen from lifenut said...

Oh, Suzanne. I am so, so sorry to read this. Praying for your little one, for you, for your family.

I've walked that road. No matter how deep your faith, how much you pray, how many people come along side to hold your hand...it's still an awfully lonely, stark place to be as you wait for news.

Christine said...

Time to pray. thoughts are with you.(((big hugs)))

Matthew said...

Just because the tests are not conclusive it doesn't mean that we don't have hope.

With my first pregnancy I never had enough hormones to even test positive for the first 12 weeks. I went to the doctors when I had every other symptom of pregnancy and their tests kept coming back inconclusive. So much so that my doctor wanted to prescribe a medicine that would "re-start" my cycle. I begged off for another week... my "next" cycle was due within that time. If things didn't settle more conclusively within that time, then I would consider it.

Imagine my devistation when I started my cycle three days later. Imagine my curiosity when I didn't have any more than a little spotting over the next two days. It was hoping against hope, and yet I took another pregnancy test. Imagine my joy with finally having a positive test. Imagine the doctor's dumfoundedness when she realized that I was 12 weeks pregnant when 10 days before I was not pregnant.

We are now 16 years later, and although I consider everyone of my children a miracle from God, my first born is to my eyes more specifically so.

I pray that you are blessed with such a miracle and that you will know the joy I once experienced when I was told that I was foolish to hope.

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry Suzanne...We'll be praying for you and your family. Our prayers will be hopeful prayers, prayers for a miracle. Thank you for you powerful example of faith and trust. --J.C.

Johane Levesque said...

Oops! I didn't realize I was signed in under my husband's account. I thought I'd have to sign in...

Johane

Donna Marie said...

My thoughts and prayers are with you, {{{{Suzanne}}}} We will storm heaven for you!

Julie said...

Hoping and praying right along with you!

Goslyn said...

Praying for you and for that beautiful unborn soul. May you find peace in the outcome, whatever it is.

Mary Ellen Barrett said...

Blessing to you dear - you have my heartfelt prayers and sacrifices.

Martina said...

Praying for a miracle!

Laura The Crazy Mama said...

Ive never been in that limbo before but I've known loss and it's such a tough time. I'm sorry you are going through this. I'll pray that God gives you strength and peace.

notjustlaura said...

Praying for you all.

Melanie B said...

Praying for you all, Suzanne.

Kris said...

Oh, Suzanne - so sorry!! Of course we will be praying for you right away. We will pray specifically for a miracle for your precious baby. And for comfort and guidance for you and your family. Thank you for giving all of us in cyberspace the gift of being united in prayer for you.

Carolyn said...

We are praying hard for you all here in Colorado - heading to the adoration chapel today and we will bring our prayers directly to Him.

KackyK said...

I so dislike limbo. I'll pray for your peace of mind and heart and of course for your baby!

Meredith said...

Oh it's hard! Praying for you, Suzanne.

Anonymous said...

I'm a long time reader who wanted you to know that I'm keeping you and your sweet family in my thoughts and prayers. Cary

L. E. Cove said...

Oh I'm so sorry to read this. I know the places of limbo and babyloss ... I am praying for you.

~ ellie

Mary said...

I know this limbo all to well. I have gone through two miscarriages in the last five months. It is such a lonely, holding your breath kind of place. I understand your hesitance to write about it. But in my own grief (because these last few months of loosing babies really have been dark) I needed your thoughts and your inspiration.

Thank you for sharing your grace-filled thought in this time of pain. Many prayers.

Alishia said...

You are in my prayers. I am sorry that you must have this cross but know that you will carry it dutifully. God's will be done but I hope for you a healthy pregnancy.

Lisa G. said...

I am praying for you!!!! God will give you the strength to face what the plan is.

Miriam said...

Many prayers coming your way...I am praying to St. Anne for you and the baby.

Anonymous said...

Adding my prayers to yours!

Beth said...

You are in my prayers.

Anonymous said...

Prayers for all from Mississippi!! God bless baby Temple~

noreen said...

Hi Suzanne, I'm a blogging friend of Paula's and I saw on her site a prayer intention for you. I will definitely keep you and your family in my prayers!

Cheryl M. said...

Prayers, Dear Suzanne...many prayers and a hug. :)

Marcie Melancon said...

Lifting you in prayer Suzanne.

Barb, sfo said...

Adding my prayers as well!

Musings said...

Praying to St. Gianna for your baby.

Anonymous said...

Prayers.

Amy Ekblad said...

I'm so sorry - we are praying for you. I have experienced this three times in the past two years. There are no words. Only prayers. God bless you.

Mary @ Cheerios said...

Oh Suzanne, praying for you, your hubby and boys and your little soul inside you...May God give you great strength!
GOd bless you all,
Mary

Jenny said...

Praying for you all.

Karen said...

I'll be praying for you and your family.

Jessica said...

We will be praying for you and your precious little one, Suzanne. God bless you and your family!

Donna said...

Praying Suzanne. Lift up your heart- lift it up to the Lord. God bless you.

Puffin Hen said...

Praying with hope for you and Baby Temple. God bless you.

Nikkadmus said...

Praying, too.

Anonymous said...

HOPE!!!

Karen E. said...

Oh, Suzanne, I'm so, so sorry to hear this. But, you are right -- hold on to hope. As a friend once said to me, we have no idea what God has in store for your little one. However that may unfold, know that you are in our prayers.

Elizabeth said...

I've been including you in my intentions after my daily rosary and will continue to do so. I've been where you are and there is hope in the hurting...of course you already know that. Your last paragraph is quote worthy and so very true. Peace In Christ.

Monica said...

I will pray for you.

Anonymous said...

Suzanne, I stopped by the Adoration chapel and said a prayer for you and baby. Take care and God Bless- Angie

Gardenia said...

dear Suzanne, I'm here from Waltzing Matilda. Praying for you and your family and your little one.

Melissa said...

Praying for you.

Anonymous said...

I've never blogged before...ever...but my friend told me about your limbo story. I am in exactly the same postion. HCG is not doubling as protocol, but is climbing/not dropping. No fetal pole or heartbeat, sac w/yolk measures 5 wks vs. 6 as projected. No nauseau, but extreme fatigue. Have been reassured "within my heart" that this diversion from any normal pregnancy OR miscarriage experience (I've had 11 souls within/4 living kids)is a sign of the times...where we must surrender to providence...or fear and discouragement will take over. I hope, as you, for a breath of God to develop in humanly visible form! I am almost equally content enjoying each day of the experience of sharing my flesh and blood with what we know for sure is a soul "on our side" in the great battle. The difference between us is likely age...I am 44.

Suzanne Temple said...

My heartfelt prayers go out to you, anon above, and also to all those who have commented here or emailed me to say that they, too, are walking in the land of limbo. This is a lonely valley, no matter how many of us are here, but it is a blessing to hear from you.

br Drasko (of the Emmaus monastic community) said...

What you say about hope, Suzanne, is so very true; and why hope is so much more than mere optimism. Christian hope is the fruit of our being loved by the One who is utterly beyond the grasp of our mind and yet closer to us than our own soul. Be sure of our prayers.

Carrie said...

I will be praying for you Suzanne, I have been in your situation before and it is heart wrenching. But I will be praying for you and your little one and your family during this time. God be with you and your blessed little one.
Carrir

Becky D. said...

Praying for all of you!!

Robina said...

My prayers for the intercession of St. Gianna and Our Lady of Fatima for you and your baby. They helped me through a very similar experience a couple years ago.

Erin said...

I will keep you and your baby in my prayers, and pray for God's comfort in the difficulty of waiting.

Colleen said...

Just offered up prayers for God's Will. Hope it's the same as yours :)

nicole said...

Praying for you and your family.

Melissa G said...

Praying for you and your family Suzanne. Prayers for patient endurance and comfort, and hope- lots more of Christian hope which you expressed so well.

Amy Caroline said...

Praying hard for you and your beautiful family.

Raewyn said...

Praying for you - came over from Carlotte's blog...may God wrap you in His sweet peace while you wait! :)